Finding true love as a young woman these days is hard. As an autistic woman? Even harder.

Being a neurodivergent woman looking for love is a double jeopardy. And I don’t mean that in a fun way, like on the iconic Jeopardy game show. It’d be nice if it was like that - just solve a simple problem with a simple solution and get double the reward. But dating as a neurodivergent woman is like playing Jeopardy blindfolded with the prompts all being expert-level riddles and the other two contestants are robots who are smarter and faster than you. And on top of that, the host is either a creep or just doesn’t like you. And the audience and viewers don’t understand why you’re struggling so much because “It’s so easy for the other contestants, just do what they’re doing” even though you can’t. It’s a real struggle!

As I mentioned in my previous post, I was in a relationship when I was a teenager that ended badly and in hindsight wasn’t the best to begin with. Since then, I’ve been trying for years to find a new partner. But I haven’t been very successful. Every guy I’ve met that I liked has either already been taken, disappears, says or does something that kills my attraction, or just isn’t into women. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a problem with gay men. I proudly call myself an ally of the LGBTQIA+ community. But when you meet a cute guy and he’s your type but it turns out he’s not into you, it’s frustrating!

I’ve tried a lot of things to meet single young men in my area. I did speed dating events for a while with Cincy Singles, but I felt awkward approaching guys and nervous when someone approached me. I’m not sure why this was my experience, as I’m not normally socially anxious. I think was probably multiple fears I had rearing their heads at once and contradicting themselves. I didn’t want to be alone, but I also didn’t know what to say or how to act and didn’t want to get rejected. Especially since I already struggle with expressing myself verbally. I have zero ability to flirt. Plus, none of the men that approached me at these events seemed like my type, so I was immediately off-put. One of my worst fears is getting trapped in an abusive relationship, and I guess men that bold and forward came off as desperate to me, which set off my alarm bells.

Dating apps have been a struggle too. The swiping feature is annoying because you have to choose yes or no to matching with someone, but there’s no “maybe” option. I’ve come across numerous profiles where I was interested but not quite certain, and there wasn’t an option to save it for later viewing and decide when you have fresh eyes and a clearer mind. So it feels like the app is pressuring you to make an impulsive decision and doesn’t like it if you’re trying to be careful and look before you leap. This is something dating apps should be encouraging so that people don’t wind up matching with creeps or people who seek to harm them. What’s also irritating about the swiping feature on dating apps is how easy it is to accidentally swipe the wrong way. You could be looking at someone you’re interested in and accidentally swipe left and lose them, or be reading through a profile and not really liking what you’re seeing but accidentally swipe right. When I have actually matched with guys on dating apps, the conversations don’t go anywhere because I either get ghosted or feel uncomfortable because he’s too hasty or just wants me for my body.

And that there is part of the problem with being a young woman dating in this modern world. I and a lot of young women I know want a genuine emotional connection, but it’s so hard to find. There’s too many guys in online spaces and in real life who just want to hookup. Or worse, they can lie about who they are to get you to fall in love with an illusion, and then take the mask off and do whatever they can to keep you under their control. Oh and let’s not forget all the incels out there who don’t respect women, yet for some reason want a female partner. It’s like walking through a minefield to get to the promised land, you’re rolling the dice with every step you take. Every woman who makes the trek winds up wounded in some way. Some get so injured that they simply give up and turn around. And tragically, not everyone survives the journey. And as time goes on, there’s less and less space in the promised land, so you feel like you have to scramble to make sure there’s room for you.

Now add being neurodivergent on top of it. Navigating the neurotypical social world is already challenging enough with all the unspoken rules, unclear expectations and indirect communication. But when you’re dating, there’s even more unspoken rules and unclear expectations to navigate! Plus it paints a target on your back. Some people will avoid you like the plague because you’re an “undesirable”, and others will fetishize you. Because they want someone “a little bit autistic” or you’re their “autistic manic pixie dream girl”. Our neurodivergence isn’t some quirk for you to fetishize! We’re real people with real needs, problems and disabilities! Getting overstimulated and having a meltdown isn’t cute. Panic attacks are not cute. Autistic burnout is not cute.

I think a lot of these issues are part of why a good amount of neurodivergent people are asexual/aromantic or choose to remain single. But personally, having been in love once, I think all of the trials and tribulations of love are worth it. Yeah my last relationship didn’t work out for me, but there was a lot of things I got learn and experience that I wouldn’t have otherwise. I got to dance the night away with the person I loved at our homecomings and proms. I had my first kiss. And I made so many beautiful memories on all our dates, like our picnic by the river, or the scavenger hunt at my church, or the time we sat in the trunk of our friend’s car and ate ice cream. The relationship taught me how to love someone romantically and gave me clarity into what it is want and need in a partner, as well as what doesn’t work for me. Looking at it this way, I’m eager to see what my next love will bring to our relationship and what magic moments we’ll make into treasured memories together.