Internalized ableism made me hate myself for being autistic - here’s how I see it now

When I was growing up, I desperately wanted to fit in. Which is, for most kids, is a normal childhood experience. I think almost every child dreams of having a lot of friends and being the most popular kid in their year. And as teens, most of us dream of winning the title of Prom King or Queen and having all the most attractive popular guys/girls fawn over us.

But for me, it was deeper than that. No matter how hard I tried, I could never truly fit in with my peers. People treated me nicely for the most part, sure. But I could always tell I was the outs. No one listened to my ideas for class parties in elementary school. Kids in my class laughed when my bully loudly called me stupid. Only one person ever stood up for me throughout grade school when I faced more bullying. Friends turned on me. No one willingly partnered up with me for projects or classroom activities. No one voted me for homecoming court or Prom Queen. I tried sitting with popular girls at lunch, but didn’t really “get” what they were talking about. In high school I tried making myself into a theatre kid since I loved Broadway shows, dreamed of being a movie star, and thought I could squeeze myself into that group. But I was never good enough enough to get into any of the big productions, so I missed out on a lot of in-group socializing and memorable moments because I wasn’t around enough. So then I tried becoming the “funny kid” and telling jokes during class, but never got a laugh.

I knew deep down why they didn’t really like me. Because I was “weird”. And I assumed that everyone knew I was autistic, because I talked about it all the time. So I concluded that the problem was me. Because I was autistic, I wasn’t “good enough” to belong. I was a freak, too weird, someone they didn’t really want to be around but either felt obligated to include me or felt sorry for me. And despite my best efforts, I could never perform well enough to present as 100% neurotypical and be fully accepted. Because of my autism, I would never belong.

So I hated myself for being autistic. I internalized all of the shame, anger and sorrow that that brought and used it to bully myself into having low confidence and self-esteem, and even into slowly developing an eating disorder. I tried to prove my internal bully and my peers wrong by excelling academically and trying to squeeze myself into groups or adopting personas. And while I succeeded at being an outstanding student and managed to make friends and even have a boyfriend, nothing was ever good enough for me, because it wasn’t enough to get me that sense of belonging I craved. And so I remained deeply unhappy and continued loathing myself for something I couldn’t help but be. I riding home in my dad’s car one time crying and telling him, “I would give anything to be normal.”

And that, my friends, is called internalized ableism! It’s a problem that many neurodivergents and people with other disabilities struggle with. We live in a world that, though progressing, is still very ableist. And those of us in the disability community can pick up on it, no matter how subtle it may be or how “accommodating” people outside of our community think they are. We see it in how people look at us with pity or like we’re freaks. We hear it in how others talk to us like we’re slow or children. We notice it when people talk about our condition like a tragedy or a disease rather than a part of who we are. Or when they make our diagnosis the butt of a “joke” or throw it around like an insult. We observe it when we’re stereotyped in the media or people call us or others slurs (especially the r-word, which is making a resurgence). And it’s definitely caught our attention how people underestimate us because they only see our symptoms and the things we can’t do. Not to mention, even with the ADA, accessibility is still an issue because many people fail to account for sensory disabilities, handicaps on private property, and other aspects of disability.

Our world basically tells people with disabilities, “You’re broken, you’re inferior, you’re too much and yet not enough, you don’t belong”. And when you see that message everywhere, regardless of whether or not it was intentional, you internalize it and start believing it. It’s why, for example, autistic people say things like, “This user considers their autism a disability, please don’t call it a superpower” and “Autism sucks. I hate being autistic. I know to some people it's like the best thing in the world, but those are usually the people that have some kind of autistic superpower. Like they're amazing at math or they have unbelievable music ability or some other kind of amazing genius. But when you're just run-of-the-mill, normal, average, everyday autistic person like me it fucking sucks”. You can just hear the self-loathing and internalized ableism in these quotes. It’s heartbreaking, yes, but it’s their reality because of what they’ve witnessed in our collective reality.

If you’re as upset about this problem as I am, you’re probably wondering right now how we solve it and what you can do to help. One of the most effective ways to erase internalized ableism is to eliminate the source that it largely stems from - external ableism. How can able-bodied neurotypicals (aka you “normal” people) help?

• Educate yourself - Respectfully talk to the disabled people in your life about their condition (and be understanding if they don’t want to answer a question - some things are too personal to talk about!), read books written by authors with disabilities, research articles written by doctors and official studies done by health organizations, watch interviews with notable disabled people, attend educational events
• Speak up - Challenge people in-person and in online spaces who use slurs, tell offensive jokes or spread misinformation. Contact your media outlets when you notice them using a stereotype.
• Support inclusion - Advocate for inclusive policies, procedures, values and norms in your school/workplace, healthcare organization, place of worship, and other places you attend or frequently visit. Just make sure you ask for feedback from people with disabilities before you implement anything.

But this alone won’t be enough to defeat internalized ableism. Internalized ableism can also come from the same place as any other insecurity - self-doubt, frustration, and/or comparison. The best thing you can do to protect your loved one from or help through this kind of internalized ableism is to just listen and support. Encourage their independence and self-advocacy, and don’t help them unless they ask you to. Listen with an open mind when they’re telling you about their condition, experiences or any struggles their facing, and avoid making any assumptions or judgments. Remind yourself to see what they can do, the gifts their conditions brings, and who they are outside of their diagnosis, not just their label. And when they’re feeling down, be sure to tell them too.

And to my neurodivergent fam reading this, I’m going to tell you all what I wish I could tell my high school self. You are more than just the bad parts of your diagnosis. Who you are and all that you’re worth is far more than just the label you carry around that sums up the way your mind and/or body works. You have so much to give, and so much more value than what you and others believe you do. You’re not broken, you’re exactly the way you’re meant to be. You’re whole, and you always have been. You are not inferior, you’re just as good and needed as anyone else. You’re not too much or not enough, you’re perfect just as you are. And you belong in this world. Anyone who says or makes you feel differently isn’t worth your time, effort or attention. And that’s their loss, because they’re missing out on the amazing you and all the gifts you bring. You are enough, and you always have been. You. Are. Enough.