What neurotypical privilege actually looks like - Part 1

Good morning!

Last week, I talked about internalized ableism in the disability/neurodivergent community and my experiences with it. I mentioned how internalized ableism stems from external ableism and insecurity due to frustration, self-doubt and comparison. Today I’d like to expand on that. A significant amount of the ableism neurodivergents face and the self-loathing we develop from comparing and feeling frustrated with out selves comes from neurotypical privlege. This term may confuse some of you, so allow me to explain, using my own experiences as an example.

No Baby Talk or Parenting from “Helpers”

Infantalizing is one of the most common and annoying types of ableism neurodivergents face, especially those of us with autism. If you don’t know what infantalizing is, it’s the term we use for when people talk to us using simple words and “baby voice” like we’re toddlers. It’s infuriating because are essentially looking down on us, whether they mean to be offensive or not. It tells us this person considers us helpless, unintelligent, and/or developmentally delayed because of our disability. Even though we’re physically adults, in their eyes, we’re equivalent to children.

A related problem is when people “help” when we don’t need it. For example, “friends” and other people in our lives publicly correcting us despite not being our parents or having any authority over us. Or trying to force themselves into our space or whatever they’re doing because they think we need assistance. This is aggravating at best, and boundary crossing at worst.

While I don’t recall any experiences of being talked down like I was baby growing up, I have plenty of instances where peers have parented me. The clearest two I can recall are a girl who was in my church youth group and youth choir and a girl I don’t even remember the name of who somehow knew me in high school. Both of them were older than me. And they would both constantly be like, “Maddie, don’t do [thing]” or “Maddie, you shouldn’t say things like that” like a parent would when they were talking to their child. This infuriated me because I felt like I was being singled out since I was the only one I saw them to this to. And more importantly, one of these girls was supposed to be my peer, the other my friend, but both were acting like the adult in charge of me. Finally, I didn’t need their help or ask for their feedback. I understand they felt like they were “helping” me, but they were just making me angry because it felt to me like they were being unintentionally malicious. And what made me even more frustrated was that back then I felt like even though I didn’t like the way they were treating me, they were “right”, so I never stood up for myself. I had to supress my anger to avoid lashing out.

Meanwhile, a neurotypical adult is always spoken to like an adult because their capabilities, intelligence, and maturity are automatically assumed. Neurotypicals don’t have their behaviors corrected by people who are supposed to be their peers. And help isn’t forced upon them, it’s only given if they’re in danger or ask for it.

Making and Retaining Friends/Romantic Partners is Easy

Neurotypical adults have a much easier time finding friends and romantic interests and keeping them than neurodivergents. Since being neurotypical is what’s considered “normal”, it’s easier to “fit in” with those around because everybody thinks, talks and behaves similarly. Thus it’s not difficult for a neurotypical to present their best side and attract people platonically or romantically. And since neurotypicals think, speak and act alike and in ways that “make sense”, they’re also more likely to maintain these relationships since understanding each other is easier, and miscommunication is less likely.

A neurodivergent, on the other hand, is constantly struggling in this area. Since our natural state is considered “weird” we’re forced to mask in order to fit in with our neurotypical peers. We’re constantly doing equations in our head to figure out what’s the right thing to say or do, and sometimes we miscalculate. Or our mask falls off. And even with the mask, it’s impossible to complete conceal the parts of ourselves that aren’t “normal”. So people tend to avoid, exclude or even straight up bully us. And in the relationships we do form, it’s all to easy to ruin it because we said the “wrong” thing or didn’t react the “right” way, causing miscommunication and fall out. Or they can find out we’re not who they thought we were and leave us. Even relationships between neurodivergents can suffer this problem, though it’s less likely.

Most neurodivergent people want to connect with others, but find it stressful because we don’t want to scare people off by being “weird”. And this desperation to connect is what attracts bad people, which is why neurodivergents are more likely to be abused, manipulated, or otherwise mistreated by people they care about.

I personally have lost friends in the past because of my neurodivergence. Most recently, I was banned from a Discord server I loved because my neurodivergence was causing miscommunciations with others. I tried my best to change my behaviors based on the feedback I received from group leadership, but they were unknowningly keeping strikes against me when I thought we’d resolved an issue. And apparently others were having issues with me and chose not to tell me. Rather than trying to figure out where the miscommunication kept happening, explaining the rules in clear ways, or trying to find an alternative solution or a compromise between me and the mods, they chose to ban me. So I lost access to almost all of my friends, my week night trivia team, my girl group, and other social events I loved. And I still haven’t found an adequate replacement.

Less Worrying About Public Perception and Reputation

I already explained most of what I was going to say above, so I’ll keep this one shorter.

Social interactions and functioning in public is much easier for neurotypicals than it is for neurodivergents. Since neurotypical traits are what’s considered “the norm”, neurotypicals just do what’s natural to them because they know and understand the rules, both spoken and unspoken. So they don’t have to worry as much about how people in public view them or their reputations, because they’re easy to maintain. Unless a neurotypical suddenly bursts into song wearing a clown costume while riding a zebra, most passersby aren’t going to stare at them or think they’re odd.

For a neurodivergent though, being in public and socializing can be a nightmare. Any “weird” behaviors like stimming, being too loud, or having a meltdown or other burst of emotion will get you stared at, and even possibly glared or laughed at. So we’re forced to mask, mentally rehearse, and calculate everything we say and do in public to avoid drawing unwanted attention. This, plus noticing and absorbing every little thing, is why we find social activities exhausting.

When I’m in public, I have to watch how I’m speaking because I have a tendency to talk loud. And I have to monitor and suppress some of my neurodivergent habits like staring when I’m lost in thought and stimming. There’s some things though that I can’t hide, my how I stumble over my words when I speak or subconsciously whisper the thoughts in my head out loud.

And that's just the beginning. Next week I'll continue with three more examples of neurotypical privilege, specifically in the workplace, in schools, and in the media we consume. Because there's a lot more to unpack. See you then, and have a great week!